I’m a middle aged man in a loving marriage to a beautiful strong, intelligent woman. I adore her, she’s my world, and I’m pretty sure she’d say the same thing (maybe with some additional words like ‘pain in the arse’.. )
I’m healthy (but have a bit of middle aged chub)
I’m successful and relatively wealthy (but somehow never seem to get ahead)
I’m wise (ha!)
I have a very solid loving marriage
But (and why, given the above, should there be a but?) I found myself increasingly dissatisfied with my life and the way our relationship actually functioned. I found myself wasting time, wasting money, achieving lots at work but nothing at home and unfulfilled.
Dissatisfaction and lack of fulfillment
I noticed myself having meaningless arguments with my wife. Stupid stuff over nothing. Tug of war for the last word.
The problem is – I am the sole earner and my wife is a stay at home student/mum. I make all the money, try to make all the decisions (and always have to be right), and always want the power in the relationship. But none of it brings me any sense of contentment. I could never relax, always trying to prove something at home and be leader. Our roles were not well considered. I was always looking to improve myself but never managed to make much headway. And the bickering was getting me down.
And I came to the realisation, slowly but surely, that I needed to give up all control in our relationship, step down and empower my wife in areas of our life where our respective gender roles and my own stubbornness had shut her out. I needed to stop needing to be right, have the last word and make the decisions – these things were a source of discontent for both of us.
It was time to give up control, let my wife take the lead, to be MY guide and leader and help us to a more balanced, more equal, more harmonious marriage.
It was time to let her wear the trousers and for our life to transition into a genuine 24/7 female led relationship.
So what is a female led relationship?
Lets just state right up front that FLR is not about the man being a belittled doormat whose opinions are worthless and contributions never up to scratch. For me and many others it’s more about clear and positive redefinition of roles within a marriage and giving the female partner control.
However FLR can be many extra things depending on the couple. It can be about being dominant/submissive with the leather clad bitch and all the things that go with that if that’s your thing, it can be about rediscovery of sex and intimacy, it can be about domestic arrangements and who does what, it can even extend, so I am told to cuckoldry (why that would work for men is beyond my comprehension) feminisation of a man (again, not sure how a marriage would remain workable but hey, she’s certainly in charge at that point – different strokes)
Depending on what articles you read, there seems to be a strong theme of FLR being about subjugating the stupid male, for the woman to focus on using the males sex drive to achieve it, but something about that seems really off – it focusses on the males fantasies wants and desires and the woman has to put a lot of effort in to make it work. I thought this was about her… ?
I believe you have to find your own groove and your own motivations. And it has to be something you can both do – your partner has to be on board. And she might not want to do some of the things you want and that’s something you will have to live with – you have just announced that you want it to be her show from now on, so you cant be expecting to get your own way from day zero!
If you’ve stated your case and she says no, well that is your first test!
So the one thing in common with all the flavours of FLR is – you have committed, for real, for the woman in your life to be the boss, to make all the decisions in your lives and for you to respect that and obey her. You have put her right in the middle of everything you are.
To love, honour, respect, cherish and obey.
And in simple terms, that’s us.
The single biggest change is that we have agreed that she has the final word on everything. No exceptions.
And having done that, for me to challenge her word becomes seriously disrespectful. A major no no. I have handed her the power baton, willingly and with love, I have pledged to obey her – respecting that her authority is a central non negotiable pillar of our marriage from now on.
So, having determined I want change, the next step is how do we go about it.
Part 2: Establishing Ground Rules