The final step for me was something that I was aware of really early in the conversations with myself. Finances were an issue.
Not a big deal – we’re well off, my wife has access to plenty of money and access to the credit card, but she never had access to the core of our finances. She could always ask me for money had the banking passwords if she needed to move money about, but she didn’t have visibility and control and thus she was the unequal partner in the foundation of our marriage.
I sensed that she held back, not spending money on things she wanted, or overspending and then having to listen to me asking her not to. We had conversations where I felt we’d spent too much and she felt bad and then I felt bad because she had no idea, being largely out of the loop.
So, in order to change the final thing that controls balance of power – I wanted her to have equal access and final say to the bank accounts.
But then it struck me, that’s only half the story. For this to really work, I need to have my access to money completely revoked. To be dependent on her would be very humbling and make me very vulnerable and appreciate better what we had, but also what I had taken for granted.
I would be forced trust her decisions as I would be totally locked out and unable to access any money independently. I would also be encouraged to do what I’d promised or she could wield a powerful stick – my ability to go out with friends for a drink would be dependent on her. If she was pissed off, maybe she’d say no. In some ways, I’d really like her to use that sanction although we have not yet had the cause. How crushing would that be? What a potent and stinging reminder that I was not in charge.
So, to achieve this 180 degree upset and change access to the most powerful part of our lives;
- Handed over all my bank cards to my wife. She has them in a safe that I don’t have the code or key for.
- I will only get access to cards if I need to run errands or get cash. Cards must always be returned afterwards
- Got my wife to change my internet banking password. I no longer have access to any of my accounts, nor can I move money or get it out from the bank in any way. I will have to ask her to log me on every time I need to run my company payroll or pay a bill or whatever.
- My wife now has complete control over all the accounts and will make all financial decisions. I forfeit my right to access or say in financial matters. I can advise on request, but it is no longer my call.
- I will get $20 in cash for emergencies such as train fare or something. This is kept in a sealed and signed envelope so it will be obvious if it has been used.
- I don’t get to keep excess money. If I want to go out or spend money, I must now ask permission.
Pretty terrifying huh. I literally have put myself in the shoes of so many wives and women around the world, dependent on their men to give them an allocation of money, miserable and trapped in their domestic drudgery . Men can spend their money as they please – lunchtime pint with friends – no problem. Buy a shiny new thing – easy. Its our credit cards and our banking. All at the same time as justifying an allowance for your wife and sharp intakes of breath when she wants to spend money.
The more I think about this, the more I realise I was half into that mindset, so it had to go.
It’s actually inspired – nothing is quite so dis-empowering than having no say in finances and being forced to defer to my wife for even basic needs. It pushes my submissive psychological buttons so hard its not funny. As restrictive as this is going to be, its not going to make me miserable, because I have a strong loving wife to guide and lead me and to keep me honest.
Plus I have an overpowering desire to make that work, so if I end up coming second place to other family financial decisions, well that’s fine. They weren’t my decisions to make or argue about.
This also enables a significant goal
The other thing that cutting off the money would do was related to goals (see next post) – I buy crap junk food at work and I’m not losing my chub. I’m no fatty, but I would love to lose 20kg. I try, I do ok for a bit, but damn I love nice food and I cheat.
Take away my access to money and I will be forced to eat what my loving wife has bought in the shopping, not a pie and chocolate as well.
I have given my wife all the keys to crush this financial inequality, empower her to levels she’s never had, nip my potentially shitty financial power behaviour in the bud, force me to keeping to my bargains and totally cuts off my access to food.
Its a very powerful thing psychologically. It pushes a lot of ‘submission’ buttons in me. It’s actually a bit of a turn on to be so helpless and dependent on my beautiful wife’s whims and moods and it’s a great mind focusing device.